Interview with Odger Jhonstin
Question: I know a lot of people see your performance in the books and they sometimes wonder if you are on anything when you are on set.
Answer: Well, that’s because I am.
Question: Are you admitting to…?
Answer: What? No. I am high on life. The drug I use is called joy. It’s prescribed by my soul, and it’s not a disage just anyone can take. The average person would live in my body for five minutes before they screamed and hollered. “Ahhh, I can’t handle all this happiness!” I’m like what would happen if Rainbow Bright and She-Ra adopted all of the My Little Ponies and combined them all into one massive MegaZord of squealing exuberance.
Question: Okay, that…
Answer: …and then we’d stomp down the street, crushing cars and hurling buildings, our fiery breath bringing destruction to anyone who doesn’t buy this book at least three times a week.
Question: Yes, see, that’s what we’re talking about…
Answer: We? Do you have other people living in there too?
Question: What? No.
Answer: Are you a MegaZord made from He-Man and the Real Ghostbusters and all the Transformers all combining together into one cosmic entity? Because that would be awesome.
Question: Just listen. You say it’s all about love and joy, but you’ve been accused several times of hunting down the people who leave bad reviews…
Answer: Uh huh…
Question: And harassing them.
Answer: Go on, I like this part.
Question: …toilet-papering their houses, putting plastic wrap on their toilets…
Answer: Heh, heh, this is a great story.
Question: …It’s even been alleged that you bought ten thousand get well cards and shoved them through someone’s mail slot one at a time.
Answer: Yeah, took three days, I mean, NO, that never happened…but it would have been cool if it did.
Question: I just think that your anger and resentment…
Answer: Passion, you mean my passion.
Question: Right, I just think it’s coming off as threatening to some people.
Answer: Well, I don’t want anyone to be threatened.
Question: That is good.
Answer: …unless they leave bad reviews.
Question: Oh boy.
Answer: …cause those people maybe possibly could benefit in some small way from a good old fashioned threatening.
Question: Here we go.
Answer: Now, I’m not saying anything bad is going to happen to them. Right?
Question: Ugh. Of course you aren’t.
Answer: I’m just saying that, you know, accidents happen. Salt gets mislabeled as sugar.
Question: No it doesn’t.
Answer: …peanut butter will sometimes drop out of nowhere into your coffee…
Question: How?
Answer: …you know, sometimes people interview someone, and then when they get home, they find that all of the paintings in their house have been tipped just a couple of degrees off center. It happens.
Question: Yeah, I think we are done here…
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