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Interview with Privet Tamarack
Question: Thank you for taking to time to sit with me. Answer: It is my pleasure. Always enjoyable to talk to a beautiful person such as yourself. Question: Um, thank you, I guess. So, I’m sure you’ve very excited to be reprising your role. Answer: I reprise nothing. Originally they wanted the character to be taken in a completely different direction. A decent human being, but in the end my naturally irresistible charisma and unstoppable machismo bled through into the role and made it my own. Yes, I owned it like I am owning this interview, you sweet wonderful thing. Question: Please don’t call me that. Was there anything particularly challenging about the story this time around. Answer: Nothing is challenging when you’re me, except perhaps the challenge of holding back so much raging unstoppable charm. I’m sure you can feel it, even from where you are sitting. Nice outfit, by the way. I’d click my tongue at you, but I’m told that is considered offensive, so instead I’ll just stare at you without blinking. Question: That is not an improvement. Answer: Neither was the script, luckily for the both of us, I didn’t read it. I never read the script, not because I don’t know how to read, but because I am too lazy to be bothered. And because I don’t know how to read. It’s a side effect of my character design. When your charisma is maxed out, your intelligence score inevitably suffers. Question: Did you just make a Dungeons and Dragons reference? Answer: I never make references, I only make threats. Threats is how I reshape the world like a nice soft pretzel with just the right amount of salt on top. Table salt, not that gaudy big clumps of salt. Who needs that, am I right, my lovely? Question: I’m outta here. This interview is over. Answer: Yes, many people become nervous around me. Nervous and excited. Even the writers didn’t know what to do with me. I’m told that Privet was supposed to be captured and enslaved in the first chapter, but I just kept showing up to set, inserting myself into scenes I wasn’t even supposed to be in. Finally they ended up with so much footage with me in it they had to rewrite the story. But enough about me, tell me about your gorgeous self. Question: You realize I’m a guy, right? Answer: Seriously? Crap. I gotta go. |
